Been feeling horribly depressed for a while... But the last few days have actually been OK. Propably because I've taken double dose of my meds in order to stay alive. But the point is, I'm feelin good, I'm losing weight and I'm not cutting myself.
So, way to go I quess. Gotta ask my doctor to up the dose of my meds, so I wouldn't feel so quilty for taking too many... I just feel like it's really necessary right now.
I feel somehow calm and NORMAL. No moodswings, no numbness, no anything. It's like I live in a world of candy cotton. Is this what happiness is supposed to feel like or am I just high on my meds?
About 800 calories today... Not pleased with that. I ate some porridge and apples though, so i think it's at least healthy. :D And drank lots of tea...
I'm propably trying to fast tomorrow, not sure how it will go. And if my biological mom will drop by to visit... goodbye, fasting. But hey, I'm not in a hurry. "It doesn't matter how slow you go, just as long as you don't stop."
Some thinspo:
Hi guys! (In case anyone ever reads this... And if you do, please leave a comment!)
So... I'm 179cm tall and weigh about 69kg:s at the moment. I'm not pleased with that. I'm normal weight but it just isn't enough... Since I'm struggling with EDNOS. Even though I have an eating disorder, I've never reached being underweight, which is for me the saddest part of it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm not sick at all, like I'm not worthy of attention. I feel like some stupid wannarexic just whining about everything. But that's gonna change. I'm going to be 55kg, thin and beautiful - perfect! Maybe then I can think of myself as a proper Pro Ana. And yes, I am Pro Ana. Although I courage those who want to recover, to do so. I'm just not strong enough to do that myself. I admire that kind of strength.
I have my reasons I'm who I am right now... I've been bullied at school, left alone to be always the "weird girl", sexually abused, ignored and we've had some problems in our family as well... So I'm kinda messed up. I need some feeling of control. Unfortunately, I seek that also by cutting myself, which I've been doing on and off for 4 years now.
This blog exists because I feel the need to vent out my feelings somehow. I've always thought, that writing is the most natural and healthy way for me to do that... I have countless diaries and scrapbooks full of random stuff... Just rambling about my life. But hey, it's better than turning to a razorblade, eh? I might be not good at what I do, but I still love it.
I'd be really grateful if I had someone to talk to, someone who understands the desperate need to be thin and going through emotional problems. I've never actually been able to talk about stuff straight to anyone, even though I have a few great friends who I share my secrets with... But they don't quite get the full picture. Nor are they encouraging my weight loss or anything, which makes me kind of sad because it's a huge part of my life... I think about it more as a hobby than a disorder. I just like losing weight, I like the feeling of being in control. I bet there isn't anyone who doesn't like that in this world. So am I so different after all?
Sorry about the messed up rambling, but this is me, this is my story.
And here's a few pictures of me, sort of as a face to a name-kind of thing... ;)
Tekstit