Sorry for not updating in such a long time

Hello again guys...
It's sure been a while. Been busy with my other blogs, for example: http://thinspop1ctures.blogspot.com/

I currently weigh about 70 kilos, so I seriously haven't made any progress. I hate it. I seem to be stuck at this weight, no matter what I do. And it doesn't help that I see my mom more often nowadays - she always forces me to eat all sorts of fatty shit. :(

I just purged some cookies and I feel like crap. I get the feeling that i didn't get them all out... :/

Basically, today has been horrible. Being depressed -> binging n' purging.

Pics I took yesterday

Today's morning weight was 69,0. Yesterday 'twas 70,something. Sheesh. So it's mainly waterweight... <3

I fucking hate myself

I'm such a fat pig... ARGH. TOMORROW I'M GOING ON A FUCKING FAST. I can't take this shit anymore!
Please, ana, give me strength.

Today has been pretty good...

Morning weight 69,5kg. Which sucks, but at least it isn't higher than yesterday. :) I ate some chicken-mozzarella salad (no idea of the calories) a bit oh strawberry sorbet (30kcal) and one can of spam (not sugarfree unfortunately). But I'm still quite pleased with myself, as long as I don't give up to the urge to binge in the evening as I usually do.

I've been feeling actually happy today (despite the horrible hangover, migraine and upset stomach). Got some new music on my Ipod andandand~~ Yay! :)

I miss my darling though :( I wish she'd get better soon...

My weaknesses

-Low self control
-Midnight snacks
-Wrong foods
-Too big portions
-The craving for carbs :(

68,4 kg

Feeling a bit tired and cranky. Gotta take my meds and some coffee... And some cucumber for breakfast.

I feel incredibly fat although my weight has dropped a bit again.. Well, I quess a long walk will help for that a bit. I always feel better after moving around a bit. :) 

I'm so happy to be with you!

Yesterday and today have been AWESOME. I mean... i've got a girlfriend now, have lost 300 grams since yesterday morning and feel overall awesome! :) I don't remember when was the last time feeling like this... All I know is that I am happy and in love...

We're dieting together with my gf, which is great.. It's always easier to keep yourself in control when there's somebody to watch over you. And I also tend to binge when I'm feeling crappy, but now I feel like I'm filled with love and happiness and don't need to eat at all! It feels just incredible! <3

I've had about 800cals today, which I quess is not too bad.. But not too good either. Well, sure better than yesterday (damn u alcohol). :)

I'M SO HAPPY! <3

Thinspo time!

Crappy day

My neighbour seems to be busy drilling holes in his walls or something. The noise is TERRIBLE. Not necessarily helping my crankiness... i hope coffee will help and his drill will die soon. My I-pod is being moody as well.
Great day, eh?

I wish I could get my snakebites soon... *sigh* being poor sucks sometimes. I'm almost out of smokes as well. SHIIIITTTT. What the hell is wrong with this day?

But, after a huge laxative bomb, I dropped from 69,5 to 69,1. I know, it's useless, but at least I don't feel as bloated now...

Ungh...

69,5 kilograms
and porridge for breakfast.

FAT PIG.

(My thinspo scrapbooking stuff... ;) Or maybe one third of them..)

I don't feel hungry anymore!

Yay! I needed this to remind me that...
Hunger will pass - Bones will remain.

I hate you food.

I should be able to control myself. I should be able to turn down food, not to eat... And I think I will, for a while. But I know that a time will come, when I simply can't control myself anymore and eat everything in sight. It's a vicious cycle... fast-binge-purge... It seems endless.
I think I'll just stick with juice for as long as I can. I should hide my food (porridge is my weak spot, believe it or not) on the top shelf for a while i think. I just can't take anymore extra kilos. I feel incredibly fat and disgusting... :(
I hate food. I wish I could stop eating completely.
But I don't have the willpower...

I just heard my neighbour 

opening the door

going outside

sneaking as quietly as possible

So

I'm not the only sleepless one.

I'm so hungry it hurts

even though it hasn't been long since I ate

maybe a couple of hours...

I'm such a fat pig

I'm not going to give in to the hunger

I'm NOT going to eat.

I feel trapped

in this little world of mine

It's like a room

with no doors

only one small window

I can see

how happy everybody else is

yet I am here

alone

just watching another night go by.

Happiness?

Been feeling horribly depressed for a while... But the last few days have actually been OK. Propably because I've taken double dose of my meds in order to stay alive. But the point is, I'm feelin good, I'm losing weight and I'm not cutting myself.
So, way to go I quess. Gotta ask my doctor to up the dose of my meds, so I wouldn't feel so quilty for taking too many... I just feel like it's really necessary right now.

I feel somehow calm and NORMAL. No moodswings, no numbness, no anything. It's like I live in a world of candy cotton. Is this what happiness is supposed to feel like or am I just high on my meds?

Gosh I love coffee. Tastes so good, keeps me awake and takes away the hunger pains... Oh, thank you to the person who invented this nectar of life. <3

Gods, I'm addicted to blogging. I just have the constant urge to write all the time! I've actually had a bit of a writer's block lately, so this is good news... Awesome!

Randomity and thinspo

About 800 calories today... Not pleased with that. I ate some porridge and apples though, so i think it's at least healthy. :D And drank lots of tea...

I'm propably trying to fast tomorrow, not sure how it will go. And if my biological mom will drop by to visit... goodbye, fasting. But hey, I'm not in a hurry. "It doesn't matter how slow you go, just as long as you don't stop."

Some thinspo:

First post

Hi guys! (In case anyone ever reads this... And if you do, please leave a comment!)

So... I'm 179cm tall and weigh about 69kg:s at the moment. I'm not pleased with that. I'm normal weight but it just isn't enough... Since I'm struggling with EDNOS. Even though I have an eating disorder, I've never reached being underweight, which is for me the saddest part of it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm not sick at all, like I'm not worthy of attention. I feel like some stupid wannarexic just whining about everything. But that's gonna change. I'm going to be 55kg, thin and beautiful - perfect! Maybe then I can think of myself as a proper Pro Ana. And yes, I am Pro Ana. Although I courage those who want to recover, to do so. I'm just not strong enough to do that myself. I admire that kind of strength.

I have my reasons I'm who I am right now... I've been bullied at school, left alone to be always the "weird girl", sexually abused, ignored and we've had some problems in our family as well... So I'm kinda messed up. I need some feeling of control. Unfortunately, I seek that also by cutting myself, which I've been doing on and off for 4 years now.

This blog exists because I feel the need to vent out my feelings somehow. I've always thought, that writing is the most natural and healthy way for me to do that... I have countless diaries and scrapbooks full of random stuff... Just rambling about my life. But hey, it's better than turning to a razorblade, eh? I might be not good at what I do, but I still love it.
I'd be really grateful if I had someone to talk to, someone who understands the desperate need to be thin and going through emotional problems. I've never actually been able to talk about stuff straight to anyone, even though I have a few great friends who I share my secrets with... But they don't quite get the full picture. Nor are they encouraging my weight loss or anything, which makes me kind of sad because it's a huge part of my life... I think about it more as a hobby than a disorder. I just like losing weight, I like the feeling of being in control. I bet there isn't anyone who doesn't like that in this world. So am I so different after all?

Sorry about the messed up rambling, but this is me, this is my story.
And here's a few pictures of me, sort of as a face to a name-kind of thing... ;)

(Sorry about the crappy webcam pics and fatness. I'll also post better pics of the tattoos later on.. ;D)