Foolin around w GIMP

Lolol, i'm ridiculously fat... XD I wanna be like the black n white image. But that's not actually possible, thanks to my bone structure. My ribs would stick out more if i was that skinny at least... and hipbones.
But yay for the superb celebrity diet - photomanipulation!

Pics I took yesterday

Today's morning weight was 69,0. Yesterday 'twas 70,something. Sheesh. So it's mainly waterweight... <3

I fucking hate myself

I'm such a fat pig... ARGH. TOMORROW I'M GOING ON A FUCKING FAST. I can't take this shit anymore!
Please, ana, give me strength.

Today has been pretty good...

Morning weight 69,5kg. Which sucks, but at least it isn't higher than yesterday. :) I ate some chicken-mozzarella salad (no idea of the calories) a bit oh strawberry sorbet (30kcal) and one can of spam (not sugarfree unfortunately). But I'm still quite pleased with myself, as long as I don't give up to the urge to binge in the evening as I usually do.

I've been feeling actually happy today (despite the horrible hangover, migraine and upset stomach). Got some new music on my Ipod andandand~~ Yay! :)

I miss my darling though :( I wish she'd get better soon...

My weaknesses

-Low self control
-Midnight snacks
-Wrong foods
-Too big portions
-The craving for carbs :(

I'm such a fat pig

I don't even want to look at skinny people right now. I feel incredibly BIG.... 70 fucking kilos. I'm a stupid, ugly whale. I fuckin hate myself.

about 69 kilos...

Shit, shit, shit. Fuck you Mia, fuck You. Making me eat all that shit... ARGH. I'm so mad at myself and I can't sleep at all.
Feelin pretty goddamn anxious... :/
Sorry for being such a crappy ana girl.

Some thinspo for you guys:

another day goes by

i feel lice crap, as usual. Eaten like a fuckin pig, got drunk again and i want to cut SO DESPERATELY. Argh!!! I fuckin hate espoo... I hope i can go back to hyvinkää soon and get my self control back. I dont even have a pc here, i have to use blogger from my fuckin cellphone...

68,5

Got wasted yesterday. 'twas goddamn fun, but oh, all those empty calories... :/ Well, actually I don't care a shit right now, because today is going to be better. ;)

I still feel quilty for that pizza and chocolate. I wish I could just enjoy food like normal people and not think about purging/fasting all the time... :/

Damn borderline personality disorder is hard to deal with. The mood swings are horrible again... A while ago I was all hyper, and like 5 minutes later i cut myself. I'm such a moron. Seriously, this is just ridiculous!
...Thinking about a small OD on mood stabilizers, I'd like to feel like a zombie for a while again... I can't take it anymore, I just want this all to go away. I don't do it because I want to die, I dot it because I want to live.

I wish SHE was here. She always makes me feel so good. About myself and about everything. She's always such a sunny person even though she's had her hardships too. I just love her. I love her so much it hurts... <3
And I miss her. She's sick at home right now, which is kinda sad because I have to leave to Espoo tomorrow (to see my mom and to therapy) and on monday we're leaving to estonia for one day trip with my mom.. So I won't see her until next week. Although, I'll come back from estonia with tons of booze (it's cheap there), so we can get wasted together, which could be ridiculously fun. xD

...Writing really helps to deal with difficult emotions. I feel much better already. Thank you my dear blog. <3

I fucking love caffeine

Just drank a few bottles of sugarfree Red Bull.. And goddamn I'm going hyper! I love this feeling wheeeeeee <3<3<3

..Okay, this is seriously fucked up. XD

I should buy some tablets of this stuff, I'm kinda afraid of the calories.. :/ Although its sugarfree, when drinking as much as I sometimes do... it really might be making me fat. Yeah, that goes on my shopping list.

desperate for happiness

I feel so numb and fat... I just ate some porridge (120 cals, which makes a total of 140 today). For some reason it's like I can't be happy at all. This depression never leaves. I want so bad to be skinny, pretty and perfect it hurts. I want to cut but at the same time I don't. My emotions are such a mess...

68,4 kg

Feeling a bit tired and cranky. Gotta take my meds and some coffee... And some cucumber for breakfast.

I feel incredibly fat although my weight has dropped a bit again.. Well, I quess a long walk will help for that a bit. I always feel better after moving around a bit. :) 

I'm so happy to be with you!

Yesterday and today have been AWESOME. I mean... i've got a girlfriend now, have lost 300 grams since yesterday morning and feel overall awesome! :) I don't remember when was the last time feeling like this... All I know is that I am happy and in love...

We're dieting together with my gf, which is great.. It's always easier to keep yourself in control when there's somebody to watch over you. And I also tend to binge when I'm feeling crappy, but now I feel like I'm filled with love and happiness and don't need to eat at all! It feels just incredible! <3

I've had about 800cals today, which I quess is not too bad.. But not too good either. Well, sure better than yesterday (damn u alcohol). :)

I'M SO HAPPY! <3

Thinspo time!

Crappy day

My neighbour seems to be busy drilling holes in his walls or something. The noise is TERRIBLE. Not necessarily helping my crankiness... i hope coffee will help and his drill will die soon. My I-pod is being moody as well.
Great day, eh?

I wish I could get my snakebites soon... *sigh* being poor sucks sometimes. I'm almost out of smokes as well. SHIIIITTTT. What the hell is wrong with this day?

But, after a huge laxative bomb, I dropped from 69,5 to 69,1. I know, it's useless, but at least I don't feel as bloated now...

I hate myself so fucking much... Allnighters are seriously badbadbad dietwise... @_@ I ate a banana. A whole fucking banana. *grossed out* I can't go to sleep now because my sleeping routine is already fucked up... I don't need to sleep another day, I'll just stay awake the next night again.. Shit...

Ungh...

69,5 kilograms
and porridge for breakfast.

FAT PIG.

(My thinspo scrapbooking stuff... ;) Or maybe one third of them..)

I don't feel hungry anymore!

Yay! I needed this to remind me that...
Hunger will pass - Bones will remain.

I hate you food.

I should be able to control myself. I should be able to turn down food, not to eat... And I think I will, for a while. But I know that a time will come, when I simply can't control myself anymore and eat everything in sight. It's a vicious cycle... fast-binge-purge... It seems endless.
I think I'll just stick with juice for as long as I can. I should hide my food (porridge is my weak spot, believe it or not) on the top shelf for a while i think. I just can't take anymore extra kilos. I feel incredibly fat and disgusting... :(
I hate food. I wish I could stop eating completely.
But I don't have the willpower...